Why me? I don’t know. I ask myself that frequently throughout my life. Good and bad. Usually extraordinary. Fentanyl. That’s extraordinary. As of 2025 the American public is STILL not comprehending its power or its ability for destruction. We hear sound bytes, or cleaver slogans. The messages are meant for those other people who use “opioids” or “Fentanyl”. Well my kids and I don’t use opioids or Fentanyl. They are not talking to us, we’re safe, so we think.
Why speak up? There are only a few of us willing to speak up, be honest, call people out, connect the dots, take the risk, and for me honor Austin’s wish. “I don’t want to be misunderstood.”
I will always and forever be proud of my beautiful boy. He continues to teach me about the world and myself every day.
In November 2024 I returned to Washington DC to attend the DEA’s 3rd Annual Family Summit. Again I was eager to hear the latest information on Fentanyl from the Pentagon Drug Intelligence, US Attorney General Merrick Garland, DEA Administrator Anne Milgram, the Regional Special Agents in Charge of the DEA, CDC and several SUD Agencies. The group focused on the specific current drugs, law, terrorist organizations, transnational crime, Substance Use Disorder, grief and healing. There was a beautiful convocation and dedication of the “Faces of Fentanyl” Memorial. Seeing Austin’s face on the wall plaque and new digital screen was sickening. The shock was unexpected and I burst into tears.
It was good to see and talk to everyone again. A few of them looked like the last year weighed heavily on them also. After last year’s 2023 DEA Family Fentanyl Summit I was even more concerned and had more questions than when I got there. I came home and spread the warnings as much as much as people would listen.
I keep telling Kali, “I don’t know if I’m going to survive this.” I had constant daily crushing heart pain and inability to take a full breath. A broken heart led me to the ER. This time the radiating left arm and jaw pain in addition to the normal everyday short of breath and crushing heart pain stopped me. The ER Doc said, “You’ve gone through the worst thing that can happen. It will kill you. You have to figure it out. No one can help you.” So I swallow the pill and keep working the problem. Connecting the dots. Every person I contact is willing to speak in depth about my inquiry. Everyone has a personal link that motivates them to share their insights. I can sense a building tension under the surface. Almost as if they are relieved that someone asked them and they were given the opportunity to be heard.
During this years 2024 DEA Family Fentanyl Summit there was more interaction with the leaders. They all stayed and interacted, talked with us for two days. It was an emotional summit. I felt that there was a sense of finality. Like we have already been given the solutions. The answers are there, ‘We the People’ aren’t using it or applying it yet. They have done all they can do , being ignored under the Biden/Harris Administration.
There were two learning tracks to choose from the second day, ‘Help’ or ‘Heal’.
The ‘Heal’ track sounded terrifying and too much like facing reality and I’m not ready to surrender. So I went for the ‘Help’ track. We shared information from states all over the country, even Alaska. The parent groups spoke of laws and legislation changes that have been successful, how to get and distribute free Narcan and Fentanyl test strips. This group of people are amazing and it’s such an honor to get to learn from them. The dedication and drive of everyone makes me feel more normal. I was hoping by now the crisis would be fixed. Far from it.
I stopped to talk to the representative from the CDC. She said, “Hi! I remember you from last year.” I said “Oh ya? I’m still mad at you guys.” She smiled. I said, “Well, my son is still dead, and he shouldn’t be.” Then the CDC lady said, “I wanted to let you know something. Last year you saw our instructions on how to test for Fentanyl, and you told me that it was all wrong. That it wouldn’t work that way. Then you gave me the ‘chocolate chip cookie effect’ example to explain why. And you were right! So we went back and changed all of our instructions and literature.”
I shook my head, looked up, and said, “LORD, help us all.” I asked her some questions and the answer was always, “I don’t know, that’s a good question.” Even when I asked, “Can anyone really get sober from Fentanyl?”
I was feeling discouraged. I proceeded on to talk to the Drug Intelligence Officer from the Pentagon. I asked, “What is going on with all the Drug Induced Psychosis? What is the chemical concoction that is causing all that? We see it a lot in SoCal, I dealt with it in Austin. Are you doing a wide panel of chemical testing to see what that is. Is it the chemicals on the weed for pesticide or cultivation? Is it some other harmful chemicals we don’t know about yet? Like China did with the K-2 and Spice? Because that psychosis behavior is not fentanyl, coke, meth, weed…”
He said, “Oh I haven’t heard of that. I don’t know. We test the drugs upon seizure.” I thought….
I said, “ No, that won’t work. That’s in its whole original form from the source. I mean after the street dealer has made their chemical salad in the blender and sells it. Like are you testing the blood from the deceased who jumped off a balcony or did some other crazy thing that killed them? Or, test after someone is arrested and obviously abnormally psychotic? What is causing that behavior?” The Pentagon Officer said, “I don’t know, that’s a good question.”
I walked over to DEA Administrator Milgram and said, “ I just had a revelation. For a year and a half since Austin died I have been so angry at the betrayal of all of these agencies that failed Austin Kali and I. They weren’t there doing what they should have been doing to help him. We needed their help and nobody who should have been helping us was. I just realized that they don’t know. They don’t even know what is going on out there or what they should be doing to help people. It’s like Austin Kali and I know more than they do with our ‘lived experience.’ We lived it. And died from it.” DEA Administrator Milgram leaned in, looked at me and said, “Yes, that’s why we brought you here. We are building this plane as we are flying it. We don’t have time.”
What can I do? I’m nobody. I’m one person. I looked at her and quietly said, “Got it. ok I’m on it. I’ve got a lot of work to do.”